Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Why do you ask??

I have been very quiet lately ( I think) in an attempt to grow beyond the hurt and pain, okay even a little anger, and evaluate my position in life.  My beliefs were once new and unsettling to me and many whom I love.  The shock factor used to be what I lived for but now it is what I try to avoid.

A couple things...I have been asked a whopping 3 times THIS week if I am still a Christian and 2 times Why do I HATE god.  It is innumerable to recall the number of times in the past year I have been messaged privately about the above.  Now I know we get on facebook and post WAY too much about our personal lives...our weight, where we are eating, who we are with at every given moment of every day...Some of us join pages and "like" in support.  Some post religious preferences in an attempt to rile up a family member or ex colleague.  I USED to be this person but today I just want to live my life in peace.  I want open dialogue with friends.  I want to support the causes of my choosing.  I want freedom to express myself in this free country without being bombarded with questions.  Is that really too much to ask?

Questions that ARE okay to ask: What led you to the place you are now?
NOT okay: Why do you hate God?

Okay: What activities are you and your family involved in?
NOT: Where do you go to church?

Okay: Do you feel peace in your decision to leave the Christian faith?
NOT: Aren't you scared you and your kids will go to hell?

Believe it or not people ask me these very personal questions all the time.  I wouldn't dream of being so bold.  They can tell me all day long "When I stand before god, I want to be unashamed..I want to know I followed his leading.."  Truly, I don't buy it.  I think people are nosy, curious, frustrated, sad or feigning piety but really I feel judgment and dissapointment oozing from them.  Why if god wanted to speak to me could he not do just that?  It would be painfully easy for god to speak to me should he so choose.  He could prove his existence and make a convert out of me in no time but instead I am told to have faith..not sight.  I have said before that should he choose to appear to me as he supposedly did to Paul (formerly Saul) I would live the rest of my days living the most radical, crazy for Jesus life anyone has ever seen.  If he is real, he knows this and yet holds back from me..

Now I know all the retorts that many of you have for me (please try your best to remember that I was a believer for 28 years) but they fall flat.  Why is it that most who profess to believe have no power in their words.  Why do they not fill their days and nights deep in thought about the world like I do.  I spend countless hours wondering about suffering, pain, war, famine, disease and the oppressed.  I think about equality and fairness.  I educate myself to be the best contribution to society and my family as I can be.  I do not say things like "be blessed" or "I'll pray for you" but instead think and phrase my words to those hurting so they know that I spent more time and thought on my response to their need then I did ordering take out.

At this moment I will clear things up so as to not be misunderstood any longer.  I am not a christian.  I do feel fear creep up on me at times.  I call it post traumatic indoctrination disorder.  I push that fear away and seek for peace and understanding.  I am NOT an atheist, I just don't know what I am.  I had no labels in the church and have no label now.  I know that I do not believe in the god of the modern day church.  The god who created the world and sent his son Jesus to die that we might live...then die...then live again.  I do not believe there is a god who desires intimacy with me.  I don't believe in a god who heals some and watches others die.  I don't believe in angels who watch over us but I cannot prove their existence or non-existence.  I do not believe in heaven or hell but again, have no proof (nor does anyone).  I don't believe in a rapture of the church while the sinful are ruled by an anti-christ.  I don't believe the bible is my authority or the words of god.  WOW.

What do I consider?

I consider the possibility of a creative being who is hands off with his creation.  Even as I say it I want to unsay it because at this moment I am not strongly considering this.  I consider the idea that Jesus really did live and die (Actually, I believe it) I'm just not sure that there was anymore purpose for his life than my own.  I consider reincarnation ( I actually hope for this) but cannot prove or disprove this.  I consider the fact that there are a million different viewpoints and faiths practiced..none of them may be right or wrong or necessary.  I feel that saying a single religion is right is like saying a single language is right.  It is your language and you speak it naturally and with fluency but does it make the french speaking man wrong?

What do I believe??
I believe in people.  I believe love conquers all.  I believe in learning, sharing money, sharing food and resources.  I believe in equal rights for all mankind in every nation.  I believe I will die and that a far as I know, this is the only shot at living I will get.  I believe I (alone) am responsible for becoming who I become. I believe in family (though at times it does not believe in me).  I believe that actions speak louder than words. I believe that meditation just may be the way to go (I have not practiced this yet).  I believe forcing a particular faith on a child is cruel and assuming.  I believe that being healthy and fit is important and I am frustrated when men and women, who lead in churches, are obese and make no effort to discipline their bodies long term.

I know I just lost any reader and probably my entire "friends" list.  The truth is, if you knew me..REALLY knew me, in person, you would not find me to be harsh or mean or angry or bitter.  You would find a woman who seeks friendship, love, community, compassion and understanding.  You would find someone who is striving to be a great nurse full of tenderness towards my patients.  You would find a weak person who struggles with self-confidence and wants the approval of others.  You would find someone who tries to put on a brave face and laugh off the ridicule.

I am just a woman seeking to find my way.  I am just like you if you have ever sought to know something for yourself.  A mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a student, an aunt, a surrogate...a person.

Please as you read and think that you have me figured out, consider our similarities and not just our differences.

Thanks for reading-

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Latest Installment..Christians BE WARNED

A wise woman once told me "Melissa, dear, don't believe everything you're told" and as I have grown older boy am I thankful for those words!!  Some of you may know that I am currently enrolled in a "World Religions" course at my college...Many of those enrolled admitted they were only taking this course because it was their only option for a humanities credit.  A few of the students proudly stood announcing to the class that they were taking this course to be able to better defend their Christian faith if and when they face opposition.  HELLO they live in the bible belt.  Now it was my turn to proudly stand and profess to the half asses and the few that cared deeply that I took the class for fun..ahem, yes torturous, but fun.  I wanted to 'debunk' the mythical origins of today's "Super Faith" and get serious with myself and those around me...CHRISTIANITY ISN'T WHAT YOU OR I THINK IT IS!!!  Sorry I yelled:)

We are now mid-term and I am as positive as ever that though Inspirational to many, Christianity is no, I repeat, NO different that religions before it's is simply the latest installment of a faith held to by many as early as 7000 B.C.E (Assyrians, Babylonians and Samarians).  Now you may look at these faiths and say you are so different from these unintelligent, non-scientific polytheists but in reality ARE YOU??

These men and women, dependent on on the rationale of others, believed what they were told.  They believed  fables (considered fact) that the earth was formed by High gods Marduk and Tiamat.  Marduk defeated, then butchered Tiamat and spread her members out..thus the formation of the world.   One ancient Mesopotamian religion believes that high gods always were...they created low gods to do their work and rule the earth...they got tired and created a slave group (man kind) and gave them power to rule as they too wanted to rest...Thus the ideas of appeasement and manipulation.  This faith also explains the flood and the warfare of angels and demons in the epic of Atrahasis and Gilgamesh....READ about it.  These religions came up FIRST with the idea of a serpent, angels and demons and a flood.  These faiths seem silly to many of us because we have not been told, since infancy, to believe and have faith in these fables.  The ones we have been told are as equally preposterous but because they are familiar and many have attached their very existence to these stories we believe IN FAITH that things really went down this way.  We believe in a talking serpent (the product of a falling angel who was full of pride) who really did tempt Adam (a man formed from dust) and his wife Eve (formed while Adam was under a god-like anesthesia and is made up of his rib)  I mean this COULD have been a fable configured by man to make sense of why men have one less rib..BUT hey, your Sunday School teacher said it and so did your mom who was not educated in ancient religion so it must be true.  We believe a loving God literally despised those HE created so much so that he killed them all sparing only Noah and his close family and of course the animals...Now Acts 10:43 says God shows no favoritism but to me Noah was his favorite on that day.  Jeremiah 29:11 says God has plans to prosper and not harm but That was with Jeremiahs people ONLY because he really didn't give a bleep about Noah's bunch.  The same faith of the ancient easterners tried to make sense of Angels or gods mingling with humanity..Angels were said to have procreated with women creating Nephilim or giants.  They built ziggurats (towers to communicate with their gods) as a means of manipulation.  Sound familiar?? Our Christian Bible mentions one such ziggurat (the Tower of Babble).  Not out Christian forefathers??  They would NEVER!  Well they did and according to the story they were making God pretty uncomfortable.  Does God live in the sky??  No all around.  Would the people have to build up to get to "someone" who is everywhere?  Why was god so mad?  
These observations should be grounds to cause you to AT LEAST think..Why do I believe these things?  Does this make sense or am I being asked to "just have faith"?  Do I really believe that God created the Heavens with windows that he opens up to pour out rain?  No because science has now disproved that theory. Why are we asked to pray and pray (to a good god) for rain?  Does that make him happy so then he opens his heavenly floodgates?  HELL no!  This is the early thought of manipulating a deity to secure optimal conditions for harvest and living.  DO I believe there are "Gates of Hell" or do I believe this is more mythical terminology?  
I am not on a mission to get every Christian on earth to walk from what makes him/her feel secure but really wouldn't you have believed the above mentioned stories had you been born during their time period???
I have been a non-believer for going on 2 years and the more I look back on my fundamental faith the more I am shocked at my lack of awareness of the lack of evidence.  You know why no one can find the ark??  THERE IS NO ARK...  I know there are some that will be deeply hurt by my profession but there has to be at least one that can say with sound mind and conscience "You know, that makes sense".  If not I am destined to live out the remainder of my life being thought a fool..Call me a fool..The opposite of Christianity if knowledge...Christian fathers (teachers) have been the persecutors of the gnostics, atheists and pagans because of their desire to make sense on that which they feel is nonsensical.  I feel now persecuted in the same way but fortunate for me I have a heart that loves people and a smile and demeanor that catches those who would hate me, off guard.  
Thank you for reading.  Thank the universe and whatever deity there may be for the opportunity to learn.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Apparently the Nazi's were gay...

Today on Brian Fischer's radio program (American Family Association) he boldly stated that not only was Adolf Hitler an athiest he was also gay.  Not only that but the Nazi movement was started by his homosexual friends in a gay bar in Germany...Just more crap spewed from the mouth of a hate-filled man trying to gain more hate mongers to his hate regime.  Even if Hitler was gay so what!  Jeffery Dahmer was straight..does that mean all straight people mutilate and kill?  I am yet again appalled by the broad generalities made by this man and feel it is so destructive to our society to have this "Positive Radio" blaring into the airwaves.  It is not positive to suggest a stiff penalty for being is not positive to promote obnoxious protests that defame the character of a gay man...moving on..

I am noticing on a daily basis that Christians become very defensive and border on mean, when they are asked why they believe homosexuality is wrong.  Why they feel threatened by Muslims.  Why they believe the Bible is the end all to any that may arise today.  This "Christian" nation is NOT Christian anymore.  It is comprised of many different faith and non faith practices...I for one am growing tired of defending my non-faith just because you believe your faith is right.

Just now on Facebook, I was bullied by a complete stranger who is a Strong Christian, because I believe we should show compassion to immigrants instead of cruelty..I am allowed my opinion but because it is not his it is wrong.  I am more than frustrated with a group of people who are separatists and elitists...These people claim Christ (who I admire) but make it their life's mission to destroy any and all things that stand in opposition to their faith.  Christ did not do that.  It is time for Christians (not all of them) to stop hiding behind their religious shield and step out and say who they really are..They are supremisists looking to take our democratic rights from us and replace our free will will their Gods will...The Bible supports immigration but because it is not taught by their pastor they can't believe it.  I have never seen so many uneducated people speaking as experts..

There should be such a thing as decency and compassion...

This was not written for you but for me..I must vent and at times it will be grammatically incorrect.  Still, thanks for reading.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Keith Ablow vs. Chaz Bono...

This years Dancing With Ths Stars Premiere is just 3 days away..Will you watch?  I have to be honest , while I do like to watch the b-list actors and actress get up and shake their groove thang with the elegant "pros" of DWTS, I have only rarely tuned in.  What generally draws me to this show is the fact that they like to extort or expose controversy and hey, I'm only human, I dig it.  When Bachelor dumpee,Melissa Rycroft, debuted only days after being dumped on National TV...I watched.  When Kate Gosselin, aka, Mom of the Year, showed up after a very tumultuous and public split with husband, John...I watched.  The same is true this season only I am not watching people who have subjected themselves  to public scrutiny for the sake of fame, I am watching to see history made.

History is a difficult monster to tread beyond...I mean it is the same until it isn't anymore.  As with any change in the norm, ridicule will come, people will speculate and insults may fly.  Can you imagine at one time a black person was considered dangerous of infecting our society..they had to use different facilities from white men and were publicly humiliated and prosecuted if they ever stepped out of line with the all-white police.  Imagine being THE one who stood on the front lines and gave a face to the reality of change.  This is what I believe Chaz is trying to do.  She is doing harm to no one as she isn't invading our homes and literally poisoning our innocent youth.  Parents, wake up.  Your children aren't going to stay sheltered from everything.  If they have the desire to discover the world, they will.  Hello-I was VERY sheltered.

Being Transgender is an issue that men and women alike have suffered with.  This unique orientation transcends class and hits a nerve with the fundamentals of our physical and mental composition.  I do not personally have experience with any person who is transgender but I sympathize deeply (for the same reason I sympathize with the gay and lesbian community)because these are some of the most attacked and ridiculed and misunderstood individuals living today.  They are forced many times to do things that are seemly outrageous to say "Hey, I'm here and somethings different about me."  I personally applaud Chaz because he is being true to who HE is.  HE is saying "I'm not a girl, get over it" to all those he loves and now is taking this to the national platform.  I hope he kicks ass.  I hope he feels satisfied and proud with his decision to continue on in the face of persecution.

My question will always be to those of you who have religious reasons for your protest of the LGBT community...When did you decide who and what you were going to be?  Did you decide not to be gay?  Not to be transgender?  Why then do you assume that these men and women did?
I hope everyone watches and cheers loudly for Chaz...He certainly deserves a place in this world and personally I was more afraid of letting my kids watch Heather Mills..I mean the looming fear that her leg might fly off was at times more than I could bear.  No mean comments please..I still watched and I liked her as a performer.  It scared me that's all:)

This is the statement made by Keith Ablow and a video is shown below.

Referring to Bono's presence on the show as "toxic," the psychiatrist has written an editorial for Fox News which reads:
I advise parents to not allow their children to watch the episodes in which Chaz appears.
The last thing vulnerable children and adolescents need, as they wrestle with the normal process of establishing their identities, is to watch a captive crowd in a studio audience applaud on cue for someone whose search for an identity culminated with the removal of her breasts, the injection of steroids and, perhaps one day soon, the fashioning of a make-shift phallus to replace her vagina.
Chaz Bono should not be applauded for asserting she is a man (and goes about trying to look like one) any more than a woman who believes she will be happier without arms, has them removed and then continues to assert that she was right all along—her self-concept was that of a double amputee. Now, all is well.
Chaz Bono should not be applauded any more than someone who, tragically, believes that his species, rather than gender, is what is amiss and asks a plastic surgeon to build him a tail of flesh harvested from his abdomen. If only a plastic surgeon would acquiesce, all would be well.
In the end, Dr. Ablow believes Chaz should be "empathized with" and treated with "dignity," just not applauded.  (This statement is taken from the link below.)

Peace out-

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

"You say it best..."

"...when you say nothing at all."  What a lovely song.  What a lovely singer.  What a lovely thought!  It seems to me that the "right wingers" are non stop talking..spewing thoughts and opinions into the stratosphere at record speed.  My ears can hardly keep up.  Every morning I wake and listen as pastors and conservative media are off to the proverbial races and ready to engage in spiritual warfare with the wrongdoers such as myself.  While I applaud them for their apparent committedness to "The Faith", I also can't help but reflect on a few men in times past who actually "got 'er done" by simply remaining silent or of very few words.

Gandhi, Jesus and Buddha...All of these sought serenity and peace.  Even though many will misunderstand Jesus' words in Matthew 10, "I did not come to bring Peace..."   Jesus stated later in John 14 "Peace I leave with you..."  Confusing, I know...
Gandhi neither picked up a sword of iron nor of his tongue.  He refused to live in a way that was harmful or shameful to others.  He lived his life non-violently and changed his world.
Buddha taught that by speaking kind and helpful words, we are respected and trusted by everyone.
What do present day Christian/family advocates have in common with these men???  Ahem..nothing? (I'm ducking in my room to avoid the tomatoes and such)

While These men did do some talking, their lives are what made such a drastic impression on our lives.  Why is it then that so many men and women, sharing the same faith as Jesus, do so much talking?  Here are some examples from my city and some surrounding.
get a rope...

..unless you pray this simple prayer..then all is right and God now loves you.

I mean ...if the Bible says so..

okay, they're nutty but the rest of the Christians REALLY do hear from God.

Man, O man..good strategy, huh?  Can anyone tell me that this is what Jesus of the Bible intended when he said go and make disciples? I mean if this doesn't get those sinners maybe this will

hey tickets to Heaven??  Cool.

Now for one I agree with...

I am nearly certain this is Acronym for something "really special"

My point with all of this is really where is the love?  The love?  The love?  Excuse me..Black Eyed Peas moment.  Tell me how any of this does anybody any good?  At the very best these signs provide "assurance" for all of those (maybe you) who are the lucky, special, chosen and included ones.  At the worst, though, these signs are degrading to those of different faiths...("you'll be the barbeque.") and promote an attitude of arrogance and false self assurance.  Since when did faith become something factual?  I mean the definition is a strong feeling based spiritual apprehension and not proof.  The "insider" is left to make a choice after being pumped full of this &%#@...Be sure and go to Heaven (the real goal) or doubt even the tiniest amount and go to Hell.. I'm not just talking about an afterlife of hell but a present tense hell,on earth.  The one you encounter when you is an ousting leaving you alone... an abandoned..stranded...dismayed...left to go to another church...or not.
Many of you have mentioned that you enjoy this blog and my writing even though you do not hold the same opinion as I do..That is fine.  I am in no way attempting to pull you from whom and what you love and bring you to the dark side..I want you to evaluate though who really is on the dark side?  You see, I don't hold signs (many of you do not either) saying "Turn or burn" nor do I say to strangers while invading their homes on an evangelical run "Do you know where you're gonna go when you die?"  The traits most respected in the men above are their peace, acceptance and presence in this world.  They had an awareness of who they were and why they were here on this earth.  Say what you want about Jesus..we only have 3 years of the 33 in non-original and non-inerrant text...
                                                              MY BEEF...
Is it really necessary to advertise your agenda on the radio by mocking lesbians?  To stand on a corner with a megaphone and shout "turn or burn"?  Is it really going to affect your child if he can't read the 10 commandments on the wall of his school?  I get that we all have things we feel like fighting for..I DO TOO!  But how we fight may make all the difference.  Please AFR, AFA, James Dobson...You don't have to pick a fight with every classmate that you don't agree with.  Is it not your goal to be "one with God"?'re missing him..he just left (if he's there)...he went to go hang out where you are forbidding yourselves to go..
Quit being so concerned with your afterlife and get concerned instead with this one.  Save a hungry child.  Find a humanitarian cause.  Recycle but for the love of your god...quiet down and live in peace.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

The one about The Home Depot

First of all thanks for all your kind words..Even those of you who disagree with me did so with kindness.  The issue I want to expose today is one that has been frustrating me long before this year...Any of you remember back in 1997 a boycott..Southern Baptist take on "The Tragic Kingdom"??  I do and quite honestly I began to feel the deep rumblings of equality rising even then.  I was a Junior in High School, far from watching Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast and The Little Mermaid, but the kids I babysat did...The SBC (southern baptist convention) called for yet another boycott...burn your Disney videos, pull princess themed rooms from your daughters and take the Mickey Mouse Pillowcase from your sons...See link for info on the goals of the boycott and please note the result hoped for..the SBC hardly brought good attention to its cause but rather fanned the flame of the American people to speak out for American/Human rights and equality.

So back to today..The American family association has unleashed all its efforts and it speaking, yelling, all but threatening its listeners to stand up for their faith...boycott the home depot.

One of the ads on our local Family Talk radio station closes its program with "Go out, love God, live clean, help your neighbor, be handy around the house...just don't buy your tools at The Home Depot."  First of all , I do this to myself..I torture myself because I tune in regularly to hear all of the slander/false teachings that are purported by hosts such as Bryan Fischer and Matt Friedman.  I can't help myself but like a moth to flame, I go in, hoping to find kindness and co-existence..You know the "Do unto others" mentality... but NO..I hear hatred and mockery of people believed to be created by their same creator (not my beliefs btw)..These loving christians still wage war in the same way that the old testament only not with weapons made of steel..they use their mouths to spew hate all over a listening audience and this audience is saying "AMEN".  GAG ME!!!

I appreciate those of you who are true believers of any faith as I believe they can serve a feeding the hungry, developing a community for those who are displaced, developing peace...but people Christianity today is doing NO SUCH fact Christianity has been behind Slavery, deportation and the dehumanization of the LGBT community.  NOT what Jesus would do.

I personally adhere to no faith practice.  I have not cracked open a Bible (except in my New Testament college class) in 1 1/2 years.  I will tell you this though, I admire any man who would take great strides to bring peace with out have dinner with the displaced and the be seen with the most hated tax collector and prostitute.  NEVER is Jesus reported saying, "Walk down a different road so you don't have to walk where the hookers don't want them to get the wrong idea".  Never did he encourage people to do anything that caused separatism...He loved everyone and if anything, he loved the ones most highly criticized by the church the most...I am not a Christian and for the sake of sounding like one I must move on..My point..not only would  Jesus not be boycotting The Home Depot..he would be proudly seen buying there just to make you question yourself..your motives.  Is it God you are hearing or is it the conservative pastor or churchman, manipulating the Bible, convincing you to follow him.  I digress...

These are the photos that got everyone so riled up...Is there any nudity here??  You know what is offensive to me?  This is a free country promising to protect each man and woman while offering them freedom of speech and religion...These people were simple celebrating the pride they feel to be what??  Gay?  I don't think so..I believe they were celebrating the freedom to be themselves.  We as heterosexuals don't know the obstacles many of these men and women have had to hurdle in order to march publicly and identify themselves as gay...How many of us would be proudly marching had we overcome cancer or a great tragedy?  To many this is a culmination of a life's work..remember they were un-allowed by society, family members and friends to be who they truly were and it wasn't until the decidedly awkward "coming out" that they began their journey into freedom in this "Christian" nation.
What a bitch..the religion that says God creates us all..didn't make a mistake, blah, blah..has no other way of explaining this "plague of gay" so in an effort to take speculation off of god and keep his reputation squeeky clean, religion blames the person..saying he/she chose to be gay..chose to be an abomination to god..chose to be an outsider...This is something I have never been able to swallow.  If I did believe in a god, I would promptly hate him for this very reason.

Please join me in taking a non-violent, non-slanderous stand for all who are persecuted by the conservative Christian...What if tomorrow, there was a new super power and your very identity was called into question..the way you practice in your life was suddenly wrong, vile and unacceptable...I am working on the non-slanderous part of this request and I admit it is a struggle..I too have been deeply hurt by the very religious..exiled from my home with 3 young children because the very idea of me loving people, no matter their orientation, was to them detestable.  I promise I am not seeking to destroy religion but I want to work out these hurts I have felt the only way I know how..I choose to write and be proactive..not to let hurt fester inside of me.

The great Martin Luther King Jr. said this "War is a poor chisel for carving out a peaceful tomorrow".  American Family radio and many with them are waging war against the what end are they striving?

Thursday, September 8, 2011


 I want to take some time to introduce you to myself...not just Melissa, the surrogate, but ME!  I was born and raised in the armpit of this world and smack dab in the middle of the most religulous town EVER...(spelling intended)  I grew up with two loving parents and a cooperative sister and actually had a pretty hell of a good life.  There was no drama in my family except  for the occasional visits from our Unitarian and Atheist family members...(they were basically demonic as far as my family was concerned).  As a child, I was always so quick to evangelize know spread the love of Jesus...and then after they left, I would fall to my knees and beg God not to let them rest tonight until there hearts were turned to Him...Some of my newly acquired friends may be thinking "Holy, shit!!!  You were like THAT??"  But many of you knew me as THAT girl.  I sang songs about Jesus from the time I could talk..I witnessed to cashiers at our local supermarket...I hid beer (because it was evil and would send ya to hell) from my uncle in hopes that in doing so I  would bring him to salvation.  I sang in the church choir, went to Christian school and eventually into the ministry with my (then) very Christian husband.  That is a part of me foundation and in a very small way I am thankful to have had it.  I developed a very strong sense of self and was loved and cared for by many but then I started to think...

Christianity is good for Christians but what about everyone else???  I went on a trip to the Philippines and saw
people impoverished..starving..yet they were crying out, performing rituals and prayers in an effort to get God to hear them...comfort them from pain. He didn't.   I left that country a different woman.  I began with questions such as "If there is a God, why does he seem to love Americans more that Philippinos?"  "Why do I live in comfort and assurance and they do not?"  "Who are we trying to bring these people to?"  "They seem perfectly content with their faith, what makes mine superior or right?"  I asked and asked and asked. questions that eventually led to my ultimate un-doing.  More on that later.

I had been married around 3-4 years and deeply active as an associate pastors wife when I looked at Shane and said "Do you remember choosing to be straight?"   At this time I had never been around ANY liberal minds whatsoever..I was the most liberal person I knew:))  Shane resisted (knowing what I was getting at) and said no.  I asked more and more questions and as my kids got older I began to evaluate their changes to see just when IT happened...I saw nothing.  James Dobson was loudly furthering his "Focus on the Family"  campaign all over the world.  He preached messages like this:  "Homosexuals are not monogamous. They want to destroy the institution of marriage. It will destroy marriage. It will destroy the Earth." and "allowing same-sex marriage in the United States would lead to "group marriage," "marriage between daddies and little girls," or "marriage between a man and his donkey"

People all around me were eating this shit up!!!  Teaching it in the church Sunday School rooms..posting it on billboards..blaring it all over "family friendly radio"  It was at this point I began to think something was wrong with me.  Was I a pervert?  Was I just being rebellious?  No one would understand so I kept gay friendly feelings between Shane and I.  A few years later I began to grow more and more weary of this church life...I begged Shane on many numerous occasions to get me out of this life.  I felt like I had lost every single part of my identity to this religion and I was sick of it.  I was so desperate to act outside of myself I became a surrogate..while I wanted very much to carry for a gay man, we decided it would be best not to ruffle any feathers of our church members as we were still their pastor/wife...So I didn't..I chose a straight couple..fell in love with them and the idea and then I got an e-mail from a church member "Pastor and Missy, because we feel like you are being unequally yoked with an organization of homosexuals, we feel it in our best interest to leave your church..We do not want to be part of the judgement you will receive for participating in these ungodly affairs."  The entire town turned on day they loved us, they were kind, polite Christians and the next day they were homophobic, judgmental busy bodies seeking to ruin my life while humiliating me and "outing" me as pro-gay...  

There is a lot more that happened but this is getting really long.  I have met some of the most amazing people in the last year and a half of my life.  Some are gay but most are surrogates and free thinking women who have actively lived out kindness in ways I never saw it lived out before.  They are advocates for human rights...the right to live however you goddamn well please.  This has become what defines me.  It is my mission to end the "Tyranny of Christianity" in this so called free country.  I watch as LGBT people are treated as if they have some sort of illness they can be cured of...I listened today as the AFA set out to have Chaz Bono removed from dancing with the stars because by his presence he is causing harm to the children watching...they called him a "sinner" and offered him Christian counselling should he ever desire to change...I sat in my car with tears running down my face, hoping that my kids will never have to know this hatred.  I never knew racism but my grandparents did...people have not changed..the focus simply has.  The homosexual community is being verbally abused and slandered and accused of being unnatural...I tell you nothing would be more unnatural than forcing yourself to be in a relationship because the world wants you to...

I feel it my responsibility to be the change I want to see in the world (thank you Ghandi) and I have to start somewhere..How about the American Family Association..Focus on the Family and Westborough Baptist Church???  Yeah, that'll be a good start.

Thanks for listening to my very long and not so cohesive ramblings...
More tomorrow on the Home Depot and other ramblings from The American Family Association...